Saturday, September 10, 2016

Series: Stalker

Stalker (Working title, up for suggestions) is a series of photographs I'm currently working on. It's my attempt at trying something new and (very) personal within the medium of photography. With this project I'm trying harder to capture what's inside of me, rather than merely what's in front of me.

Just as a warning, things are about to get pretty heavy. I don't often talk about my feelings, because I think I might scare people who care about me, or weird out people who don't know me so well. Here it goes.

Within the last few years, I've developed a fair amount of anxiety. I carry around a persistent feeling of fear and dread. I worry I will fail at anything I attempt and that I'll make a complete fool out of myself. I constantly have a voice telling me I'm stupid, that I'm a fraud. This internal darkness tries every hour of every day to tell me that I can't be happy, that I don't deserve to be happy. My anxiety even makes it hard for me to go outside by myself and make photographs, an activity I used to enjoy. I'm scared people will see me with a camera and think I'm up to something, that I'm casing their property or I'm a pervert. I'm terrified people will angrily confront me and demand to know what I'm doing (which has happened in the past a few times). While it's never yet happened to me personally, I'm also afraid someone will physically assault me or rob me while I'm making pictures by myself.

The shadowy figure lurking in each of these photographs is the embodiment of my anxiety, of the darkness constantly haunting me wherever I go. I hate him. He keeps me from from meeting new people. He makes me feel pathetic. He just plain prevents me from enjoying my life. I hope one day to be rid of him. I want so desperately to look behind me and not see him there. But for now, I'm stuck with him.

Each photograph was made with my Pentax LX and 50mm f/1.4 lens. The film is expired Portra 160. I plan to add more to this series within the next month.